| Friday, April 22, 2005 |
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this font color is strictly sleepy. hahas. must state first. actually, this is a sort of end or summary to the whole thing. basically is that this whole matter is closed. yeah. don't be troubled over it again, don't even mention this incident again, k? things have just come to a point where i just don't want to be near her presence again, not until i have at least cooled down and gotten over my anger. i don't know when i will get over it though, but believe me when i say that i don't wish to drag any of you into this whole mess. it's really nothing to do with you all, unless you all have something to wanna say to either of us. in that case... oh well. welcome to the fight, no matter whose side you are on. what i want to do is just to go and sleep. i might be happy, but seriously, some part of me is sad that i have lost a friend. as in, while i don't really feel sad(i know this seems contradictory) i do feel regret that again, i have lost a friend. ahs! i don't know how to put it. i guess i have mixed emotions. who won't be sad at losing a friend? but yet, i am not really that sad. in fact, this is the first time i have argued with a friend, and yet feel so... relaxed. maybe not relaxed, but at ease. like i finally have gotten something off my chest. in a way, i guess i did so too. so, while we close this particular topic, or at least until she writes another blog entry(if, only) and pisses me off again, i promise that i won't continue this blog war. but i find it very ironic. for once, i didn't start the blog entries war. for once. for once i am the one feeling so... unconcerned. i am seriously tired of all this le. it's to the point where i don't give a damn about things already. it takes too much out of me. i just want to cuddle up in my bed, warm and snug beneath my blanket and sleep. because, sometimes, i have good dreams. and in those dreams, all my friends were laughing and happy, the strained look in our eyes are all gone, and we were having fun. compared to the real world, who won't want that? i know blog entries are the worst ways. hell. i tried writing a letter first. but. it's just that, when i saw what she posted online, i got pissed off. and i have to admit, when i m angry, it's just like when i m drunk.(though i never get drunk.) i lose all sense of consciousness. i just let my heart rule. so now, this is the brains side. it's not like i don't know that this fight is pointless. but i am seriously tired of feeling like this already. what would you do if you were in my shoes, that whenever your ex-best friend did something, you would feel seriously aggravated. and all i wanted was some time to cool down and think. but she denied me that and accused me. obviously, i am not through my anger yet. but i am working on that. er. what else do i have to say? sorry to everyone for my use of the f word. i do need to work on my impulse control. sigh. i will stop using. and yes, carmen, when u think about the true context of that word, it does seem... gross. haha. basically, this is my piece. i know it seems weird. god, it seems disjointed even to me. er. wait. i agree that nobody knows her side of the story. so, yah, your views are probably biased. i know mine are too. it's just that, please, please don't pressurize me to have a truce with her. i can't. i really can't. sorry. if you all feel uncomfortable, then maybe.. i don't know. maybe... you all can pretend that nothing happened. wen en, xiuz and carmen can still go off to recess with her, they can still chat to me after school. and xiuz, don't feel too sad le. i know there's nothing i can say that won't sound cliche, but sincerely, we all know that you all did your best le. and the props were very realistic, weren't they? i guess if you need someone to cheer you up, i will always be here to be spastic and at least make you leng xiao. lols. cheer up. love, sleepy_ |