searching for my polestar

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

is it when good friends spend too much time together, spend too less time together when conflicts arises. or is it when good friends make new friends introduce to them to their old friends, and the new friends prefer their old friends instead of them, will conflict then arise?

are we really all growing up? or r we getting more and more self absorbed in our own world then sometimes, we care way too much about ourselves. and none almost none for others? im not saying anything but somehow...i dont want any of us to quarrel. ok? promise me, every single one of u in swatsd. dont u ever walk out on any of us. i am trying to maintain this certain kind of calmness among each of u. come talk to me. i am a professional crapper. i dish out advice like u know....how often i eat mac. and note, it's good advice. so come and ask me questions if u really want. i do help. i will help if u want me to. if u heed my advice that's it.

i am feeling damn stressed myself. but cs commented that i worry way too much for my own good. so i dont. i help other people destress. it's sort of like living in someone else's shoes. i learnt that word in gp but i just cant pinpoint it. yeah. u get it. so....i hope my life turns out fine. i quit thinking cos sometimes, thinking just makes u feel worse. make u cry. make u bawl, effectively uglifying u. so dont think about unhappy things can?

and i think i gave up on tag. people still comment. and i like comment. more sense of mysetry..god i cant spell that word. im so bad at spelling. well, comment instead of tag. heck the tag. heck the tag. =)

Friday, March 24, 2006

the thing about friend's friend. well, i have a friend who has a friend who likes some guy.this girl, let me see, i'll named her i. her good friend will be named p. anyway girls ip were good friends. then girl p liked guy o. being good friends, girl p told girl i. however, unknowingly, girl i also liked guy o. so what should girl i do?

hmm...complicated huh? anyway, im so psyched for the hongkong trip. despite it being rushed, expensive and short. im sure it will be fun. afterall, it's hongkong right? the place where we mai dong xi, chi dong xi, mai dong xi, chi dong xi. pardon me if the han yu pin yin is screwed, i nv ever could get my han yu pin yin correct. serious. i always look at others for the correct yin and all those kind. so my pronounciation has never been my strongest thing. come to say of it, neither has spelling...

im slacking now when i should be studying chem. thinking of that, i cant believe i FAILED chem. i bloody hell FAILED chem when certain people PASSED chem. cant believe it. *chants * ok. it's working. i dont recall having a chem test at all. hah! i nv had a chem test, so how can i even fail it?

well, someone told me he was playing pool then it suddenly rekindle my feelings for the great sport called pool. as in pool. the one with the triangle thing. the table. the poles. it sounds weird describing it. i sound like describing pole dancing? except i didnt say people dance...ok. anyone wants a game of pool before i go to hongkong. i think i shd be free. i think i shd have some money for pool. i dont think it will be that expensive. haiz. everything is thought up by me. i have no concrete facts. i am not suitable to be a historian.

im getting more and more random by the minute. sounds like my early entries. hehe. which reminds me of something. shouhao, im replying ur tag here. im glad u supported the movement. =)

so i guess that will be all. chem awaits me. does it? it does. i still have this idiotic tutorial lying in my pink bag, beckoning me.

"take me out and do me, darling...."

gawd. i sound disgusting and vile again. i did not mean it. just think it the clean way. =)

Monday, March 20, 2006

i think im not getting any normal. from what i used to be. im getting weirder. and im getting happier. go figure.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

guess what? i dont care anymore. continue lying to me would u? i'll see how much more i can handle before i get back to you. i wont be upset. im still in a high mood but let's see how long it can last before the truth hits me. im blabbering. so dont care, will ya?

Monday, March 13, 2006

i am bubbling up with happiness now. after effects of huang cheng. aww...i feel so happy and high although i have a bio test tmr. go figure. i feel like jumping up in the air, sing a song and cheer cheers. >.< ok. i think im really proud of myself. i am the only ju which didnt screw up any of the sound cues. my ju also didnt screw up the light cues. ditto the followspot cues which in fact was done brilliantly. however, my ju was also the one that almost everyone could not understand. -_-'''. remember to go watch next year hor. i promise that next year, all the jus will be understandable.

was ultra fun with the lights and sounds people. the sound people created a bridge club. the lights were just running around to mac, buying stuff. well, the lights always had a lot of goodies and they all say i kope from them. >.< and the thing is i kope and pass it around my sound mates and i kenna blame instead. i will you guys. u have been great companions...awww....

and who will forget the scandal created at the sceond day where they really showed off their chemistry. =) da teng xiao jie. lols.

zong you yi tian deng dao ni (yin xiang yu deng guang zu) (alphabetical order)

Eugene Chong Jia Jun
Lee Wen En
Lim Suq Ping
Lin Dao Teng
Ng Qiu Ju
Seow Zi Xian
Wong Wei Hong

yin xiang zu

jamie
ying jie
wen en
zi xian
dao teng
mei hui
wei quian
ai zhen
heng jie
sylvia

YIN XIANG ROCKS. u heard that? in fact.

HUANG CHENG ROCKS.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

i never ever imagine how someone's decision can affect another person so deeply. i went to it. the atmosphere was awkward. i have not seen her or even talk to her for 4 years counting. the last i ever mention her was when guna said she looked chio. now, she is just standing in front of me. eyes were too red to wear contacts. tears were spilling out of her eyes. the rest started crying too. except me. i didnt know what to do but somehow, no tears wanted to come out. i have not cried since this year. but i feel so sad. then sp's mother came. she was already tearing. she let us through the simple procedure of respecting the dead. i saw her. the cold her. and i was struck by how kind she looked. and what she did.

i just cant believe she would ever do that. i heard sp's mother said about how they were going out for lunch and something like that. i suddenly realise how vulnerable life was. last decemeber. now. i really wish that everyone would stay happy and safe. even if u r feeling down, dont ever do things that will hurt urself. and hurt others even more. she was like a broken shell. anything could affect her and she would just break out in tears. every single thing. perhaps i was not that close to her, that's why i could not cry. but the severity and the grief hit me hard in the face. the worst thing was her brother acted as if nothing happened. he was still leisurely popping gummies bought from mini toons into his mouth while his sister sat there sobbing. i guess i cant comfort people very well. i have no idea what to tell her. i havent talk to her since p6. and she is crying.

i just feel bloody useless. just like last dec. everything is going so so wrong. this. huang cheng. my studies. every single freaking thing.

and to my friends out there, i wont leave you. so dont u all dare to ever leave me.

may the lord god bless her. wash away her sins and let her up to heaven. may you rest in peace.

R.I.P
7th march 2006

Monday, March 06, 2006

guess what? today absolutely totally sucked at the end of the day. nothing freakingly went well for me. everything was so screwed. let me repeat, everything was so screwed.

why let me be worse off than i bloody am right now? it is just great, isnt it? just bloody hell great.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

it's really times like this that make me really think. jae. the ultra screwed jae. my class was this ultimate happy family during jae. and it's so argh. i was feeling sad for some people. i just didnt have this oh i am so delighted mood. i understand that our class people are all staying. everyone in our class should be happy but somehow, that is all so wrong. some of us are leaving. from a variety of schools, they came and are going to leave. perhaps it is cos in my class, no one has any other friends leaving but i do. when i talk to these friends, i ache. for them. cos i know they are feeling so horrible, they are trying not to cry and they r just trying to convince themselves appeals work. everything will turn out fine.

that's what they always say, dont they. everything will turn out fine. but they will not. or else why are there sucicidal cases? i know nj is in worse shape than hci in terms of turnover rate. nevertheless, jae is still so screwed. first three months is fun. i admit as much. but they should just stopped at entering a college once and not make us suffer through meeting and seperation again.

i missed rv. both school compounds. how 2i always sat on the benches on the fourth floor overlooking the reservoir. how old our commonwealth compound was. the cow shed, mr desmond lim. my good friends. how long have we not talk to each other and go out happy.

and... somehow, rv seems to be warmer than hci. maybe it's just to do with the infrastructure. we had all the old school compounds. the nice teachers. while in hci, somehow, nothing seems as familar and as close to my heart as rv did. we r all ex students of rv. and i ask myself. why was i so eager to wear the hci u. when i miss rv so much.

it's screwed. life's like that and we have to face it.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

the day started off happy with my posting results. dragged down by u know what, cos she cant stay. further dragged down by who is coming. and how someone refuse to turn up on time for huang cheng making me do all the job. how i failed my econs and my chem tests. but all is ok now. cos the day ended off on a right note.

samuel, daoteng, weiquian, meihui, zixian, wanwan, aizhen and of course me, went to chinese high for a tour of all the ghostly places. i requested it. basically samuel was a good story teller. the gym toilet was bloody scary. and yeah. all was well. *grins

wen en_