searching for my polestar

Saturday, February 24, 2007

rain drops are falling on my head...
sigh. i love the rain. i love the cold. that's why maybe why i like the first play of huangcheng very much. cos in the end, amidst all these waiting in the rain, everyone gets something they were always waiting for.

i cant wait for happiness to find me. can i?

sigh.

somehow, for me blogs are a place where i get to emo. i dont do this kind of thing in real life, so let me have a place to indulge myself. =)

im so relieved actually. gabriel and the other seniors were talking so nice to us. maybe they gave up. the new batch of huangcheng ppl are getting worse and worse each time. oh well. i love the ppl there. they're the nicest bunch of ppl u can find anywhere. im generalising. haha.

i cant think of anything to write. hmmm...

troubles that plagued me has been resolving by themselves. i have yet to seen whether...how it turns out but im hoping everything will stay pleasant and happy and gay. i hate to see unhappiness. no one likes it.

i wish u know, that hwachong can have a day where everyone is dejected and zi bi. that wil lbe damn fun. a day of thinking and thinking and pondering and sort of relaxing. no one thinks about how to deal with people. sometimes, socialising is tiring.

actually, if u r lazy, everything is tiring. even writing a post. like this.

im not making any sense. im not using my brain. so what? at least im not like insulting, pointing fingers and insinuating stuff...pardon the spelling. i hate it when i know the word but i cant spell. >.< anyone willing to take me up for grammer and spelling lessons?

*looks around

Labels: haha

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

sigh.

negative energy here again. =)

it's all my fault i know that. how i have been slack for the chem project. i know that.

how i made someone bushuang with my insensitive comments on my blog. i know that too.

how i always make a nuisance out of myself. i know that three.

how i always get easily pissed off when things dont go my way. when people change...i know that.

i know everything yet somehow, i always not know.

i dont know a single freaking thing. something's changed.

duh.

but couldnt we just get back to normal or did i just lost all the trust?

perhaps.

argh.

the music isnt making me much happier.

lol.

onwards to find music that represents falling in love~

it doesnt help does it?

Labels: sigh

Monday, February 19, 2007

the second day of the chinese new year. im here at my com blogging. actually, it was after reading loads of blogs before i got inspiration to start typing some rubbish thoughts of mine. guys and girls write so differently. girls would often blog about themselves, what they did and what they thought was adorable etc. guys would blog about the mysteries of life. and somehow, i always like reading blogs written by guys. they often seemed so much more profound and learned. i dont know perhaps that's how girls are structured.

even with one small paragraph, the style of writing differs already. even when i blog about how sad i feel etc, i always get the feeling that when a guy blogs about the exact same thing, there is a deeper meaning to it. am i just going nuts?

fine. so let's just go back to normal girl blogging. blogging about thow my life is and whatever. whatever, such a bimbotic word that i take pleasure in saying it for fun.

life is pretty smooth sailing in dealing with people except for certain people. i dont know why i always end up offending people. i hate it when people insist that they're okay when they arent. i now know how hard it is to comfort people. maybe the best way is to leave them alone, cross your fingers and wish that everything will turn out alright? it will be.

talking about the work aspect, i think i totally gave up on it. i mean i still havent worked on my conclusion despite promising it to minghao like ages ago. heck. Cs just told me she's going to his house tmr morning, and me being me, is procrastinating and pushing the deadline even further back. i seriously wonder what am i doing but of course no invisible being answers me. only i can answer myself if only i have the answer. im dying in all my language skills...

forget it. it's a period of celebration so i should celebrate the wonders and good of the world instead of dwelling on dreary stuff like ....rats? be a pig and pig out. yep, that's the way to go!!!

i end up with a happy note. or rather i posted another nonsensical entry. wow. im really amazed at myself.

Labels: random

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

damn. everyone is complaining how emo my blog is. it's emo so what? im currently in a happy state right now. according to joanne this morning, something must have happen cos i keep smiling. then again, today was a horrible day. i forgot my pe shirt which resulted me in running back and forth, added to that no breakfast. i was dying in the mornng. horrible brain draining bio and later chem h3 lectures. i cant believe i seriously just zoned out. nothing could get in, period. i need sleep. i shouldnt be online. i should just polish off my cold dinner but at least im eating home cooked stuff, get into bed and snore. wait, i dont snore! ill have a nice dream or a dreamless sleep. okay. back to food.

Labels: emo

Thursday, February 01, 2007

sigh.
this so isnt what i am supposed to do. im in lep room. im supposed to be doing my reaction kinetics tutorial or even vectors tutorial because friday is a tutorial day. then somehow, the com beckons me. i look and i got attracted. so here i am, blogging.
i dont know what's wrong with me recently. i seriously dont know. physically tired? i dont know. i need to get high! i need something that can continue sustaining me through all the way till march. i dontk now. ive been playing lame games, listening to endless soundtracks one after another to search for stuff i need.
黄城，让你的梦想起飞。
is it me? or is everything affecting me a lot. i dont want to care any longer. somehow, i think im kinda like a robot nowadays. i chat because i am supposed to. i crap because that's what people think i will do. i pout cos...there's nothing for me to smile at.
to think there was once upon a time when i couldnt smile when im playing the staring game. truth to be told, i still cant play that game. i smile too easily. yes, the smile. i can smile when someone tells me to. but when can i really smile at something, someone that cheers me up? i dont know. im supposed to be happy. happy doing what i love. happy with those nice people that are yellow citizens. lol.
im just laughing at all the lame jokes that my juniors make, the fun and stupidity of our batch people. and im doing things. no worries. it is at this kind of moment where there's nothing to do. im supposed to stare at some lecture notes. i start getting mellow. what am i really doing? havent i been asking myself over and over again?
why cant i be really high, happy right now? im reliant on people, im not going to deny it. my happiness sort of hinges on how humans react in a certain way. yet when im in this kind of mood, there's nothing i can do except wait.
wait....shouldnt i be proactive and do some worthy stuff? worthy stuff? what? nothing.

it's all me right. so dreary. so pessimistic. so unlike wen en. so unlike the fun loving cheerful me.

where has she gone to? has wen en been locked out at the gate of fun by uncle chong? or is it just that the tired demon is holding on to my leg, refusing to let go. no matter how much i struggle and want out. im sick and tired. just let me fall sick. have fun. whatever..i seriously so want to watch a movie. lose myself in it. then rejoin back this body of mine and look on.

look on. the days ahead. more fun, more joy, more tiredness. i think 我们黄城人都是一群疯子。

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~
*shouting out at someone

i feel okay. i am. i do. stop being crazy in the head, emoing or whatever.

tutorial. remember the more important stuff waiting for u. what crap.

love,
grumpy_

*im not supposed to be grumpy. im supposed to be smiling. cos my smile is nice...why doesnt people compliment me and make my day?!!!???!!!!! sigh. at least................hmmm must be the music im listening to, making me sad or all....chocs. ice cream. that's the key.

im a schizo.

wont crying be fun?

tears dont like me. im unfriendly.

gah. this is getting so incoherent but it's fun to type out stupid entries that no one understands.

really?